Like A Smack In The Face

lately i have had some realizations, and a few have hit me quite bluntly. Things like i cannot do everything on my own, and that i live in denial most days, and that i hate not getting what i want (that one more so lately than the others). And lately they all seem to tie into each other, more than they probably should, and i find myself struggling to keep it together. after weeks of not speaking i re-connected, so to speak, with someone this past week, and it was standing next to them over the weekend when i realized the denial i had been living in for the past few months. because unlike i tell myself everyday, i do care, and i do miss them and i do want them, and more than anything i want them to want me, and the fact that they don't kills me inside, because that means i am even further from being okay than i was to begin with. And when talking to them that night, and reminiscing and clarifying things, we both realized how it could have worked, if we communicated more, and knowing that small aspect ruined it makes me wish more than anything to go back in time to just explain myself more, and let them in more than i ever have, or probably will with anyone. See, i have this problem, called trust, and because of my past i have a particularly large issue with trusting people, which then leads to me shutting them out and trying to do it all alone, which obviously, doesn't help any situation. so now, i get to just live with it, knowing i could have saved it my just letting them in. And no matter how hard i try to pretend, or try to say it doesn't matter, it always will, and the more i talk to them, the more i miss them and want them in my life. so until that feeling goes away, I'll be here. just waiting.

"If one day you wake up and find your missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street So I'm not moving, I'm not moving "

but please find me, before i move....

past memories, and new realities

i have always had the motto, no regrets, just lessons learned, and i still to this day i stick to that. but even though i regret nothing i still miss a lot of things about my past. especially when i see certain people, or drive by them. i miss memories i had with people when i was young, and what great friends we were, and i hate that i still to this day do not know what happened to our friendship. i miss people, even though they hurt me, or broke my heart, i can't help but miss them, and on the inside i hope maybe one day I'll hear from them, cause maybe i still matter. but mostly i miss when everything made sense, and i knew where to go in life. now that I'm out of high school my life isn't as certain as it used to be. i used to know that i would just continue on in my journey of k-12, advancing to that next grade, from September to June, with summer following, and the cycle restarting once September came around again. and even though i spend some days missing the past and the people in it, i know that the people who are still in it aren't meant to be, and the ones who aren't obviously didn't want to be. so lesson learned, not only today, but all throughout life, keep your eyes ahead, because you cannot dwell on the past, you can only look to the future.

letting go

there comes a point in life, where whether or not you want to, or whether you know if it is the right thing to do or not, you have to let go of the people in your life. but its always the worst when you aren't ready, or you its the last thing in the world you want to do. today i had to make a tough decision, to hold on, be unhappy and keep dreading the way things would turn out, knowing he was avoiding me for a reason, or to take a stand and get to the bottom of things, and end it, knowing it wasn't right what was happening. and today, the outcome was what i have feared would happen for the last three weeks; i knew it was coming, he said we both did, but that doesn't change the fact of how much it still hurts, and how all i want to do is sit and cry. cry because its over, cry because he didn't want to make it work, or give the effort to make it work. cry because he didn't have the guts to do it himself, he just made it so bad to where he knew i would. and cry because he doesn't seem to care one bit, but my heart is breaking. but that is life, and one day i hope to look back and laugh at how uspet it made me, and how sad i was, and i hope the one day i know why it happened how it did. so this is goodbye, i love you muffin and a piece of my heart always will, but three strikes and we're out, time to finally let go. i hope you get what you want in life, because i plan to. starting now, here is to the rest of my life.

life goes on

i was recently accused of "abandoning" people, because they were going through hard times and because i gave them space, it was interpreted as me not caring. unfortunate, because I'll always care, and even apologizing didn't change a thing. but i was abandoned too, i lost a friend just as much as they did, and they haven't been there for me just as much as they say i haven't been there for them. and yes just because my family isn't sick, or i wasn't going through the same thing, doesn't mean my life and my feelings don't matter and that i don't need a friend just as much as them. and i could use them more than ever right now, because no my family isn't sick, but my grandmother just passed away from being sick for so long. as hard as it is to lose her, and i will miss her so much, its even worse to be accused of not caring for people when they don't care either. there is nothing more frustrating then having to sit back and watch people be completely hypocritical and not being able to do anything about it. but sadly enough, life goes on until people come to there senses and realize the choices they have made were not always the best either. so lesson learned for today, you can only do as much as someone allows you, sometimes its up to them to make it right and to realize what the next step is to move forward. i miss you best friend, but there is nothing else i can do until you come around, so now is just time to wait. r.i.p grandma, we all love you, and are so glad you can be at peace. we will miss you.

disappointment

it never ceases to amaze me how people can disappoint you over and over again, knowing how much they have already disappointed you in life. its one excuse after another, never taking responsibility for their actions; the same old story. i was sadly reminded of this yesterday, and all hope i had that maybe things would be different was shattered. the all too familiar feelings came back, reminding me once again, why i had chosen to cut him out of my life: because he doesn't deserve to be in it; and he proved that once again. i should have known, but the little girl in me could only hope that i would be important enough for once for him to just be there, but as usual i was corrected. he may say he is sorry, which i don't doubt he is, and he gives excuses to try to make it okay, but nothing will change that he wasn't there. because regardless of what happened or the excuses he has, if he wanted to be there, like he said he wanted to, he would have been there, no matter what. and neither i or anyone else can change him, or make him have that extra effort to ensure he will keep his word, only he can make that choice, and sadly, i don't think that will ever happen. the adult in me knows its not my fault, an its not anything i have done, but the little girl in me wonders why i can't be important enough for him to keep his word for and the girl in me longs for him to show some effort to make a change, but i know he won't; and that fact breaks my heart. i have spent the last two years without him, and you would think i would be used to it by now, but it never fails to kill me every time he lets me down. so lesson learned for today, trust your gut feeling about people, because more than likely your gut is right, not everyone deserves a second chance especially if they have blown their chances in the past. its gonna hurt, but you'll be okay, letting go is not always easy, but its do-able. you can get through this, he is not worth yours tears anymore.

the dreaded day

every year, that day comes around and i try at all costs to avoid thinking about it but its ineveitable that its right in front of my face, all day long, regardless of the year. i mean what really is the point of it? its nothing that special that needs to be so glorified and hyped up. its just another day to tell the person your in a relationship with, or married to, or dating, how you feel about them. but tell me this, why do you need a day designated to do that? should i not use every other day to tell someone how i feel about them, and just wait for the one day a year that says its okay for that day? i think no. we do not have days for telling people how much we dislike them, or our jobs or the people we see everyday, so why is it so necessary to have a day dedicated to love, and telling people you love them you can do that anytime, (and i encourage all to do it on a daily basis, especially since it keeps your certain someone happy). all it does is make people who do not have husbands or wives or boy/girl friends, even more aware of the fact that their single, and alone on this holiday dedicated to couples. if we are going to have a couple awareness day, which is pretty much a large portion of v-day, then we should also have a single day, fair? fair.

revelations

so i have this, complex, i guess you can call it, to make everything as perfect as can be. when i write it needs to all look the same, and look nice and neat (it never does half the time), when i put my clothes away they need to be in their specific designated drawers, when i put music on my computer, there has to be the album artwork to go along with it, etc. no matter how hard i work each day to keep things as close to perfection as they can be, something always throws me off, it never fails. and obviously everyone knows there is no such thing as "perfect", that's plain to see, but today i realized that even striving for perfection is not always necessary, its okay to have bumps in the road, or plans that don't go quite according to plan, or to write a little sloppy sometimes. so life lesson for today, just do your best, even if it is far from perfection. your best is all that matters.

new editions

when i was about nine or so, my kitten (well cat i guess then) peaches died of diabetes, and it was the worst thing i thought would ever happen to me (naive i know), but when your nine and your pet dies, its tragic. ever since that day i have wanted a pet, we have cats, but they aren't mine per say, they just live in the house with me. well in our last house we could only have 2 pets, and we have two cats, so i was eagerly waiting for one to die (that still has yet to happen...) and now in our new house, i wanted a kitten of my own so bad, but we still had 2 cats, so instead i go the next best thing, a hamster. now you see, i have been asking for a pet, specifically a kitten at first, then other assortments like fish and hamsters, for the past few months, and the answer was always no or maybe. well when my lovely birthday came along, i finally got my wish, i got to pick out a hamster :) with immense excitement we went to Pets Mart and i picked out my very own little hamster, a dwarf hamster to be exact. and after picking out my little girl, and getting all her supplies i headed home to put together her cage and give her food and everything (the cage was MUCH more difficult then you would ever expect!) and now i have an adorable little hamster (pictured above). well obviously with having a pet comes the responsibility to take care of the animal, that part is easy, she is low maintenance, just needs food water and to playing her little ball occasionally, but the catch is, their nocturnal, yes you heard me, nocturnal. so now accompanying my adorable little pet, is the obnoxious noise of her wheel going round and round (pictured in video above), constantly. which makes it quite hard to fall asleep, but despite the noise she is amazing and I'm a very proud parent. so welcome to the family nutter butter. we love you butt :)

fear

fear is what often keeps people from living their everyday lives. fear is that knot in your stomach that never seems to quite go away, it just lingers there waiting to present itself again. fear is being afraid that someone, yet again, will let you down. i can honestly say, i have lived most of my life in fear. fear of being rejected, or fear of being disappointed or the fear of letting someone who hurt you back in. and yes, i know people say you cannot live your life in fear, but some days it is just inescapable. some days there is no way if getting around it and all you feel is fear, regardless of what your fearing, fear is present. i often find myself second guessing my choices in life because i fear that it will be wrong, or i fear that it won't end well... its something i am guilty of on more than one occasion, and today i felt that fear of disappointment creep right back in, creating that all to familiar knot in my stomach, and it hit me, after almost nineteen years of life, that there will never be an escape to that feeling of fear. it will always be there regardless of how much you try to avoid it, or persuade yourself your are not fearful, you are going to be, in time. so lesson for today, embrace the fear, and power through it. take it one day at a time when it gets rough, you will make it through. and yes that fear will pop back up again in time, but you always will have the fact that you beat it the time before to get you through it the next time.

this day only comes once a year

each year as this day comes closer i tend to reflect back on my near nineteen years of life, on past experiences and of course, past birthdays. and as i think back, i have been very fortunate to always have good friends to spend my birthdays with, regardless of the fact that most of them are not my friend anymore, that doesn't change the great memories i have on that special day that only comes but once a year. as i think back my first memory of a birthday would honestly be one when i was only about eight, and every year i would have a group of three or four girls over, we would roller skate, or bowl, or go mini-golfing and then do cake and presents and call it a night. and as i got older that continued until i was fifteen, and lets be honest, when your fifteen mini-golfing with a small group of girls isn't always every girls idea of a great day, so i instead spent it with a boy, for the first time, and it was that birthday that i realized that no matter who i spent the night with, whether it be boys or girls or family, it was always great (with the small exception of my sixteenth birthday, which was slightly awkward :/, but that is besides the point), seventeen and eighteen proved to be the best so far (note pictures on top from the big one-eight), no surprise there, and as i look forward to getting older and dread it all at the same time, i always forget to remind myself that whether it seems like the day will be bland or boring, it always ends up amazing in the end, which is what counts. so the lesson learned today, is to enjoy every day, especially a day dedicated to you :), regardless of who you spend it with. and note to self: happy birthday me :) (almost), make it amazing, just like every other year.

the past resurfaces

as much as you may run from your past and the people in it, you can never run forever, i was reminded of this today. i often find myself avoiding people from my past, because it was not as great as my present is, and i figure if i interact with some of those people from my past my life may turn once again, and become something that is less than it is today, which is something i can honestly say i fear. but every once in a while, no matter how much you dread, or fear, or try to avoid people and situations, they always come up. old feelings re-surface, and memories return that you may have tried to forget, good or bad. lesson learned for today, you can't avoid something forever, eventually it will come around and you will have to deal.

everday is a constant let down

each day is a new day, this is something i have been told many times in my mere eighteen years of living, but each day still always seems to let you down. even when you don't expect it, you get yours hopes up, and what you are looking forward to, for maybe only moments, or maybe for the whole day, is diminished because plans fell through, or people didn't follow through on what they said. it never ceases to amaze me how despite how amazing life may be, one thing can turn it all around, even if only temporarily, it is still possible.we give disappointment and being let down the power to ruin what may have been an amazing day. lesson for today, keep your head up, never lose hope, no matter how bad a moment may seem, a better one will always come. even if it doesn't seem so, it will. i promise you this.

real world

so i have officially decided "high school world" and "real world" are quite similar in many ways, but also not in others. high school is supposed to be the best four years of your life, which is the biggest lie i have ever heard by the way, realistically its hell. four years of fights with best friends, stupid boys, family drama, and a few good memories squeezed in between. but eventually you leave high school and you move on with your life, and once you enter the "real world" things don't always get much better. honestly, you go from fights with best friends, and stupid boys and drama to fights with everyone in the world, stupid people (not just boys) and even more drama. i would never go back to my high school days, because for me, it was not the greatest four years of my life, but also because the real world is easier to deal with. yes it still has its hell moments, and it never gets any easier, but its easier to move on from, people in life hurt you, but in high school, your surrounded by everything on a daily basis for four straight years. it is inescapable, in life, you eventually move past it. so lesson learned for today, never forget your past, for it made you who you are today, but always look forward to the future, cause you never know what it has in store for you.

procrastination

each day i have a "routine" so to speak, well minus wed, thurs, sun, seeing as i do not work those days anymore. but on days i have work i have specific routines, take a shower the night before, sleep, get up and turn on my straightener (remember not o forget about it :/), do my makeup, do my hair, get dressed and get read to leave, come home, wash face, remove makeup, shower, sleep and then it begins again, and each night before i go to bed i set my alarm and calculate the time i will need to complete this list of things, considering when i have work. so my alarm goes off in the morning, often early on the days i do not work til after one, like today, so i can have time to just relax before going through my duties to get ready. everyday it seems though that i push back what i have to do further and further each day, giving myself less and less time to complete what i have to do before i have to leave. some days i really need all the time i give myself, but that doesn't stop me from procrastinating and getting distracted with something or another, but each day the same thing happens, and i always procrastinate. why is this? i know the time i need to get ready, i know what i need to do before i leave, but i always push myself to the last second, hmmm. so, lesson learned today, give myself extra extra time, since i know i will procrastinate anyways. smart plan, so now i am off to shower and squeeze in everything i can before i have to leave. ready, go.

nob hill paper bags, hiding in bushes, 4-wheeling and man-love

tonight once again reminded me of how important it is for you to get out every once and a while and just have some good ole' fun, despite how reluctant you may be. it started at the boy's, which i almost opted out of going in the first place, after some star wars V and VI, which i wasn't to into watching anyways, we took the show on the road. two guys and me, awkward? surprisingly, no, with nob hill paper bags on top of the car, we sped off to find food (not for me might i add), after aimless driving toward scotts valley the decision was made to go to the nob (which closed at 10 FYI), at 9:55, while passing k-mart. after angering the employees, the boys had the grand idea of delaying their co-worker and parking in her way of leaving, knowing full well she had plans after work, nice of them, i know. i can honestly say i have now hid from someone in the bushes, a good accomplishment i believe. after being found, we decided 4-wheeling was a good next-step on our aimless adventure of killing time, so up to b-lo we went, venturing towards boulder, on a quite bumpy road, if i may say so, a road i didn't know existed nor did i think it could be driven on. from the back side of b-lo to downtown boulder, this bumpy road was our adventure. then back to the boy's house we traveled, me and the "super-buddies" with their man-love for each other. after this hour + adventure i found myself quite enthralled with life, and glad i did in fact decide to leave my house tonight. a great ending to a not-so eventful day.

home

in my life i have moved many times, having two families makes that very easy to do. from capitola, to santa cruz, to felton, to ben lomond, to scotts valley and now mount hermon, a total of eleven houses, but oddly most of them never felt like home. my house in felton, on cooper street, in that great neighborhood, was the closest to home i have ever felt. in may i moved once again, for the first time in over ten years, and it was then that i realized that home is not where you live but the company you keep. i find myself avoiding my "home" often, i would rather spend all my time at my "home away from home" or with the boy, because the company there is what makes me feel at home. like i am loved and it makes me content, so the lesson for today is that home does not have to be a huge house, or a little apartment, or a room you sleep in, it is the people you spend your time with that make your home.

muffin

everyday is a battle, a struggle to make it through, some days are even harder than the one before, and easier then the next. three years ago i thought i had the perfect life, perfect parents, perfect boyfriend, perfect friends, but three years ago is also when i realized my life was far from perfect. my parents, come to find out, were getting a divorce, my boyfriend, come to find out cheated on me and lied to me about it, which then led to him breaking my heart and breaking up with me, and my best friend became a stranger; but this much needed reality check led me to the amazing life i have now. i have a best friend who i would do anything for, she is my lifeline and my sanity, she is more than a best friend, she is my sister, my home away from home. and i have a boy, who makes me happier than i have ever been before, even happier then the last time we dated, he is what keeps me going and keeps me smiling. when i think back to how my life used to be and how it formed into the life i have now, there was a lot of pain, and tears and trials, but it was all worth it to have what i have now. i wouldn't trade it for anything. i love you muffin, we can make it through this time, lets make it last forever.

day ten

currently: January 10, 2009; day ten of this brand new year. what does this year have in store for me? this is the question i have found myself frequently asking myself lately, and it being my life, i should know what i want to happen, but oddly enough i find myself lost. i know what i don't want, but thats only half the battle. i know what choices not to make and the outcomes i do not want to occur all over again, and i know i don't want this year to be like last year, but this still leaves me lost with how this year will turn out. i guess this just shows me, once again, you can only live life one day at a time, cherishing every moment you experience and never taking anything for granted. so on day ten, i vow, for this year, to live my life like i only had one more day left, and to never regret, and love with everything i am. 2009, here i come.