lately i have had some realizations, and a few have hit me quite bluntly. Things like i cannot do everything on my own, and that i live in denial most days, and that i hate not getting what i want (that one more so lately than the others). And lately they all seem to tie into each other, more than they probably should, and i find myself struggling to keep it together. after weeks of not speaking i re-connected, so to speak, with someone this past week, and it was standing next to them over the weekend when i realized the denial i had been living in for the past few months. because unlike i tell myself everyday, i do care, and i do miss them and i do want them, and more than anything i want them to want me, and the fact that they don't kills me inside, because that means i am even further from being okay than i was to begin with. And when talking to them that night, and reminiscing and clarifying things, we both realized how it could have worked, if we communicated more, and knowing that small aspect ruined it makes me wish more than anything to go back in time to just explain myself more, and let them in more than i ever have, or probably will with anyone. See, i have this problem, called trust, and because of my past i have a particularly large issue with trusting people, which then leads to me shutting them out and trying to do it all alone, which obviously, doesn't help any situation. so now, i get to just live with it, knowing i could have saved it my just letting them in. And no matter how hard i try to pretend, or try to say it doesn't matter, it always will, and the more i talk to them, the more i miss them and want them in my life. so until that feeling goes away, I'll be here. just waiting.
"If one day you wake up and find your missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street So I'm not moving, I'm not moving "
but please find me, before i move....
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