fear

fear is what often keeps people from living their everyday lives. fear is that knot in your stomach that never seems to quite go away, it just lingers there waiting to present itself again. fear is being afraid that someone, yet again, will let you down. i can honestly say, i have lived most of my life in fear. fear of being rejected, or fear of being disappointed or the fear of letting someone who hurt you back in. and yes, i know people say you cannot live your life in fear, but some days it is just inescapable. some days there is no way if getting around it and all you feel is fear, regardless of what your fearing, fear is present. i often find myself second guessing my choices in life because i fear that it will be wrong, or i fear that it won't end well... its something i am guilty of on more than one occasion, and today i felt that fear of disappointment creep right back in, creating that all to familiar knot in my stomach, and it hit me, after almost nineteen years of life, that there will never be an escape to that feeling of fear. it will always be there regardless of how much you try to avoid it, or persuade yourself your are not fearful, you are going to be, in time. so lesson for today, embrace the fear, and power through it. take it one day at a time when it gets rough, you will make it through. and yes that fear will pop back up again in time, but you always will have the fact that you beat it the time before to get you through it the next time.

this day only comes once a year

each year as this day comes closer i tend to reflect back on my near nineteen years of life, on past experiences and of course, past birthdays. and as i think back, i have been very fortunate to always have good friends to spend my birthdays with, regardless of the fact that most of them are not my friend anymore, that doesn't change the great memories i have on that special day that only comes but once a year. as i think back my first memory of a birthday would honestly be one when i was only about eight, and every year i would have a group of three or four girls over, we would roller skate, or bowl, or go mini-golfing and then do cake and presents and call it a night. and as i got older that continued until i was fifteen, and lets be honest, when your fifteen mini-golfing with a small group of girls isn't always every girls idea of a great day, so i instead spent it with a boy, for the first time, and it was that birthday that i realized that no matter who i spent the night with, whether it be boys or girls or family, it was always great (with the small exception of my sixteenth birthday, which was slightly awkward :/, but that is besides the point), seventeen and eighteen proved to be the best so far (note pictures on top from the big one-eight), no surprise there, and as i look forward to getting older and dread it all at the same time, i always forget to remind myself that whether it seems like the day will be bland or boring, it always ends up amazing in the end, which is what counts. so the lesson learned today, is to enjoy every day, especially a day dedicated to you :), regardless of who you spend it with. and note to self: happy birthday me :) (almost), make it amazing, just like every other year.

the past resurfaces

as much as you may run from your past and the people in it, you can never run forever, i was reminded of this today. i often find myself avoiding people from my past, because it was not as great as my present is, and i figure if i interact with some of those people from my past my life may turn once again, and become something that is less than it is today, which is something i can honestly say i fear. but every once in a while, no matter how much you dread, or fear, or try to avoid people and situations, they always come up. old feelings re-surface, and memories return that you may have tried to forget, good or bad. lesson learned for today, you can't avoid something forever, eventually it will come around and you will have to deal.

everday is a constant let down

each day is a new day, this is something i have been told many times in my mere eighteen years of living, but each day still always seems to let you down. even when you don't expect it, you get yours hopes up, and what you are looking forward to, for maybe only moments, or maybe for the whole day, is diminished because plans fell through, or people didn't follow through on what they said. it never ceases to amaze me how despite how amazing life may be, one thing can turn it all around, even if only temporarily, it is still possible.we give disappointment and being let down the power to ruin what may have been an amazing day. lesson for today, keep your head up, never lose hope, no matter how bad a moment may seem, a better one will always come. even if it doesn't seem so, it will. i promise you this.

real world

so i have officially decided "high school world" and "real world" are quite similar in many ways, but also not in others. high school is supposed to be the best four years of your life, which is the biggest lie i have ever heard by the way, realistically its hell. four years of fights with best friends, stupid boys, family drama, and a few good memories squeezed in between. but eventually you leave high school and you move on with your life, and once you enter the "real world" things don't always get much better. honestly, you go from fights with best friends, and stupid boys and drama to fights with everyone in the world, stupid people (not just boys) and even more drama. i would never go back to my high school days, because for me, it was not the greatest four years of my life, but also because the real world is easier to deal with. yes it still has its hell moments, and it never gets any easier, but its easier to move on from, people in life hurt you, but in high school, your surrounded by everything on a daily basis for four straight years. it is inescapable, in life, you eventually move past it. so lesson learned for today, never forget your past, for it made you who you are today, but always look forward to the future, cause you never know what it has in store for you.

procrastination

each day i have a "routine" so to speak, well minus wed, thurs, sun, seeing as i do not work those days anymore. but on days i have work i have specific routines, take a shower the night before, sleep, get up and turn on my straightener (remember not o forget about it :/), do my makeup, do my hair, get dressed and get read to leave, come home, wash face, remove makeup, shower, sleep and then it begins again, and each night before i go to bed i set my alarm and calculate the time i will need to complete this list of things, considering when i have work. so my alarm goes off in the morning, often early on the days i do not work til after one, like today, so i can have time to just relax before going through my duties to get ready. everyday it seems though that i push back what i have to do further and further each day, giving myself less and less time to complete what i have to do before i have to leave. some days i really need all the time i give myself, but that doesn't stop me from procrastinating and getting distracted with something or another, but each day the same thing happens, and i always procrastinate. why is this? i know the time i need to get ready, i know what i need to do before i leave, but i always push myself to the last second, hmmm. so, lesson learned today, give myself extra extra time, since i know i will procrastinate anyways. smart plan, so now i am off to shower and squeeze in everything i can before i have to leave. ready, go.

nob hill paper bags, hiding in bushes, 4-wheeling and man-love

tonight once again reminded me of how important it is for you to get out every once and a while and just have some good ole' fun, despite how reluctant you may be. it started at the boy's, which i almost opted out of going in the first place, after some star wars V and VI, which i wasn't to into watching anyways, we took the show on the road. two guys and me, awkward? surprisingly, no, with nob hill paper bags on top of the car, we sped off to find food (not for me might i add), after aimless driving toward scotts valley the decision was made to go to the nob (which closed at 10 FYI), at 9:55, while passing k-mart. after angering the employees, the boys had the grand idea of delaying their co-worker and parking in her way of leaving, knowing full well she had plans after work, nice of them, i know. i can honestly say i have now hid from someone in the bushes, a good accomplishment i believe. after being found, we decided 4-wheeling was a good next-step on our aimless adventure of killing time, so up to b-lo we went, venturing towards boulder, on a quite bumpy road, if i may say so, a road i didn't know existed nor did i think it could be driven on. from the back side of b-lo to downtown boulder, this bumpy road was our adventure. then back to the boy's house we traveled, me and the "super-buddies" with their man-love for each other. after this hour + adventure i found myself quite enthralled with life, and glad i did in fact decide to leave my house tonight. a great ending to a not-so eventful day.

home

in my life i have moved many times, having two families makes that very easy to do. from capitola, to santa cruz, to felton, to ben lomond, to scotts valley and now mount hermon, a total of eleven houses, but oddly most of them never felt like home. my house in felton, on cooper street, in that great neighborhood, was the closest to home i have ever felt. in may i moved once again, for the first time in over ten years, and it was then that i realized that home is not where you live but the company you keep. i find myself avoiding my "home" often, i would rather spend all my time at my "home away from home" or with the boy, because the company there is what makes me feel at home. like i am loved and it makes me content, so the lesson for today is that home does not have to be a huge house, or a little apartment, or a room you sleep in, it is the people you spend your time with that make your home.

muffin

everyday is a battle, a struggle to make it through, some days are even harder than the one before, and easier then the next. three years ago i thought i had the perfect life, perfect parents, perfect boyfriend, perfect friends, but three years ago is also when i realized my life was far from perfect. my parents, come to find out, were getting a divorce, my boyfriend, come to find out cheated on me and lied to me about it, which then led to him breaking my heart and breaking up with me, and my best friend became a stranger; but this much needed reality check led me to the amazing life i have now. i have a best friend who i would do anything for, she is my lifeline and my sanity, she is more than a best friend, she is my sister, my home away from home. and i have a boy, who makes me happier than i have ever been before, even happier then the last time we dated, he is what keeps me going and keeps me smiling. when i think back to how my life used to be and how it formed into the life i have now, there was a lot of pain, and tears and trials, but it was all worth it to have what i have now. i wouldn't trade it for anything. i love you muffin, we can make it through this time, lets make it last forever.

day ten

currently: January 10, 2009; day ten of this brand new year. what does this year have in store for me? this is the question i have found myself frequently asking myself lately, and it being my life, i should know what i want to happen, but oddly enough i find myself lost. i know what i don't want, but thats only half the battle. i know what choices not to make and the outcomes i do not want to occur all over again, and i know i don't want this year to be like last year, but this still leaves me lost with how this year will turn out. i guess this just shows me, once again, you can only live life one day at a time, cherishing every moment you experience and never taking anything for granted. so on day ten, i vow, for this year, to live my life like i only had one more day left, and to never regret, and love with everything i am. 2009, here i come.