letting go

there comes a point in life, where whether or not you want to, or whether you know if it is the right thing to do or not, you have to let go of the people in your life. but its always the worst when you aren't ready, or you its the last thing in the world you want to do. today i had to make a tough decision, to hold on, be unhappy and keep dreading the way things would turn out, knowing he was avoiding me for a reason, or to take a stand and get to the bottom of things, and end it, knowing it wasn't right what was happening. and today, the outcome was what i have feared would happen for the last three weeks; i knew it was coming, he said we both did, but that doesn't change the fact of how much it still hurts, and how all i want to do is sit and cry. cry because its over, cry because he didn't want to make it work, or give the effort to make it work. cry because he didn't have the guts to do it himself, he just made it so bad to where he knew i would. and cry because he doesn't seem to care one bit, but my heart is breaking. but that is life, and one day i hope to look back and laugh at how uspet it made me, and how sad i was, and i hope the one day i know why it happened how it did. so this is goodbye, i love you muffin and a piece of my heart always will, but three strikes and we're out, time to finally let go. i hope you get what you want in life, because i plan to. starting now, here is to the rest of my life.

life goes on

i was recently accused of "abandoning" people, because they were going through hard times and because i gave them space, it was interpreted as me not caring. unfortunate, because I'll always care, and even apologizing didn't change a thing. but i was abandoned too, i lost a friend just as much as they did, and they haven't been there for me just as much as they say i haven't been there for them. and yes just because my family isn't sick, or i wasn't going through the same thing, doesn't mean my life and my feelings don't matter and that i don't need a friend just as much as them. and i could use them more than ever right now, because no my family isn't sick, but my grandmother just passed away from being sick for so long. as hard as it is to lose her, and i will miss her so much, its even worse to be accused of not caring for people when they don't care either. there is nothing more frustrating then having to sit back and watch people be completely hypocritical and not being able to do anything about it. but sadly enough, life goes on until people come to there senses and realize the choices they have made were not always the best either. so lesson learned for today, you can only do as much as someone allows you, sometimes its up to them to make it right and to realize what the next step is to move forward. i miss you best friend, but there is nothing else i can do until you come around, so now is just time to wait. r.i.p grandma, we all love you, and are so glad you can be at peace. we will miss you.

disappointment

it never ceases to amaze me how people can disappoint you over and over again, knowing how much they have already disappointed you in life. its one excuse after another, never taking responsibility for their actions; the same old story. i was sadly reminded of this yesterday, and all hope i had that maybe things would be different was shattered. the all too familiar feelings came back, reminding me once again, why i had chosen to cut him out of my life: because he doesn't deserve to be in it; and he proved that once again. i should have known, but the little girl in me could only hope that i would be important enough for once for him to just be there, but as usual i was corrected. he may say he is sorry, which i don't doubt he is, and he gives excuses to try to make it okay, but nothing will change that he wasn't there. because regardless of what happened or the excuses he has, if he wanted to be there, like he said he wanted to, he would have been there, no matter what. and neither i or anyone else can change him, or make him have that extra effort to ensure he will keep his word, only he can make that choice, and sadly, i don't think that will ever happen. the adult in me knows its not my fault, an its not anything i have done, but the little girl in me wonders why i can't be important enough for him to keep his word for and the girl in me longs for him to show some effort to make a change, but i know he won't; and that fact breaks my heart. i have spent the last two years without him, and you would think i would be used to it by now, but it never fails to kill me every time he lets me down. so lesson learned for today, trust your gut feeling about people, because more than likely your gut is right, not everyone deserves a second chance especially if they have blown their chances in the past. its gonna hurt, but you'll be okay, letting go is not always easy, but its do-able. you can get through this, he is not worth yours tears anymore.