there is no place like home

its been a long ten months, and if someone were to tell me last august i would be packing up my life and moving it 1000 miles and two states away I'd have told them they were mistaken, but it is true indeed. After two weeks, lots of packing and a TON of driving i had managed to uproot myself from my everyday life to somewhere i knew nothing about with barely any people i knew. and while these past 10 months have been fun and I've met some AMAZING people, I'm ready to come home. they say home is where the heart is, and this is the truest statement i have heard in a long while; i left about a month ago for a week vacation, and quickly realized how much i longed to be home, and how this place that i live in is not my home, as much as i may have wanted it to be. And while i am not looking forward to saying goodbye to some of the greatest people out there, i am even more excited to return back to my normal life, where i know what to expect, have the luxury of seeing my favorite people everyday and get back to what makes sense. i have exactly 35 days in this place to enjoy with these amazing people and then its adios, and i couldn't me happier to see what will happen next :) Idaho you've done me well, but nothing compares to the California coast. I'll be visiting you soon..

centered

i spent a good amount of time tonight/this morning thinking, contemplating and realizing the sort of "denial" I've been living in, and i have found myself re-centering my focuses, my way of thinking, my attitude and my life for the most part. I've realized tonight that you cannot change the past, and i know that's an obvious realization, but even though we all know its impossible to go back in time, i think everyone spends a good part of their weeks, or at least a portion of it, wondering "what if", or wanting to change something or another. I've been clinging to what my life used to be like, and the person i was then but tonight it really hit hard, that i'm a different person now then i was six months ago, and my life is immensely different then it has been in years, and i need to embrace that. i have a good life here, not that it wasn't good before, its just different. i actually enjoy my job now (with the small exception of certain customers), and i'm good at it; i have family here that i get to see now that i didn't before, and things are going in a good direction, but lately instead of enjoying my success here I've found myself in a bit of a funk, missing back "home" more so than normal and questioning my decision to leave. but while evaluating what's happened in the last six months, i realized that i need to stop doubting and just trust that things are going to work out. so i'm letting go of the past and i am going to start enjoying my life now, instead of living in question of my decision. this is my fresh start and i'm going to make the most of it

new year, new places, new me

so, it's been awhile. and a lot has happened in the last eight months. i had a "early-life" crisis i guess you could call it, which all began with a mere vacation and ended with moving 1000 miles away from everyone and everything i knew; let me tell you, it wasn't the worst decision i've made in my now twenty years of life. and as i reflect back on the past year, and re-read the blogs i have post since i started this habit 13 months ago, my life has definitely changed. i'm now in a new place, both in my life and where i'm living, i now surround myself with new people, and my outlook on life is much different. and as i love it here, away from the drama of back home and in a new place, i can't help but miss the people i call family back home. i get to visit in exactly 56 days and i couldn't be more excited about anything. and as i think to what i want this new year to have in store for me, i can't help but wonder what crazy things i will fill my days with. i have no idea what the future holds for me, whether it be here, or possibly somewhere else, only time will tell but for now, i'm enjoying the ride and taking everything as it comes. here's to a new year of memories and amazing times...

Like A Smack In The Face

lately i have had some realizations, and a few have hit me quite bluntly. Things like i cannot do everything on my own, and that i live in denial most days, and that i hate not getting what i want (that one more so lately than the others). And lately they all seem to tie into each other, more than they probably should, and i find myself struggling to keep it together. after weeks of not speaking i re-connected, so to speak, with someone this past week, and it was standing next to them over the weekend when i realized the denial i had been living in for the past few months. because unlike i tell myself everyday, i do care, and i do miss them and i do want them, and more than anything i want them to want me, and the fact that they don't kills me inside, because that means i am even further from being okay than i was to begin with. And when talking to them that night, and reminiscing and clarifying things, we both realized how it could have worked, if we communicated more, and knowing that small aspect ruined it makes me wish more than anything to go back in time to just explain myself more, and let them in more than i ever have, or probably will with anyone. See, i have this problem, called trust, and because of my past i have a particularly large issue with trusting people, which then leads to me shutting them out and trying to do it all alone, which obviously, doesn't help any situation. so now, i get to just live with it, knowing i could have saved it my just letting them in. And no matter how hard i try to pretend, or try to say it doesn't matter, it always will, and the more i talk to them, the more i miss them and want them in my life. so until that feeling goes away, I'll be here. just waiting.

"If one day you wake up and find your missing me and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street So I'm not moving, I'm not moving "

but please find me, before i move....

past memories, and new realities

i have always had the motto, no regrets, just lessons learned, and i still to this day i stick to that. but even though i regret nothing i still miss a lot of things about my past. especially when i see certain people, or drive by them. i miss memories i had with people when i was young, and what great friends we were, and i hate that i still to this day do not know what happened to our friendship. i miss people, even though they hurt me, or broke my heart, i can't help but miss them, and on the inside i hope maybe one day I'll hear from them, cause maybe i still matter. but mostly i miss when everything made sense, and i knew where to go in life. now that I'm out of high school my life isn't as certain as it used to be. i used to know that i would just continue on in my journey of k-12, advancing to that next grade, from September to June, with summer following, and the cycle restarting once September came around again. and even though i spend some days missing the past and the people in it, i know that the people who are still in it aren't meant to be, and the ones who aren't obviously didn't want to be. so lesson learned, not only today, but all throughout life, keep your eyes ahead, because you cannot dwell on the past, you can only look to the future.

letting go

there comes a point in life, where whether or not you want to, or whether you know if it is the right thing to do or not, you have to let go of the people in your life. but its always the worst when you aren't ready, or you its the last thing in the world you want to do. today i had to make a tough decision, to hold on, be unhappy and keep dreading the way things would turn out, knowing he was avoiding me for a reason, or to take a stand and get to the bottom of things, and end it, knowing it wasn't right what was happening. and today, the outcome was what i have feared would happen for the last three weeks; i knew it was coming, he said we both did, but that doesn't change the fact of how much it still hurts, and how all i want to do is sit and cry. cry because its over, cry because he didn't want to make it work, or give the effort to make it work. cry because he didn't have the guts to do it himself, he just made it so bad to where he knew i would. and cry because he doesn't seem to care one bit, but my heart is breaking. but that is life, and one day i hope to look back and laugh at how uspet it made me, and how sad i was, and i hope the one day i know why it happened how it did. so this is goodbye, i love you muffin and a piece of my heart always will, but three strikes and we're out, time to finally let go. i hope you get what you want in life, because i plan to. starting now, here is to the rest of my life.

life goes on

i was recently accused of "abandoning" people, because they were going through hard times and because i gave them space, it was interpreted as me not caring. unfortunate, because I'll always care, and even apologizing didn't change a thing. but i was abandoned too, i lost a friend just as much as they did, and they haven't been there for me just as much as they say i haven't been there for them. and yes just because my family isn't sick, or i wasn't going through the same thing, doesn't mean my life and my feelings don't matter and that i don't need a friend just as much as them. and i could use them more than ever right now, because no my family isn't sick, but my grandmother just passed away from being sick for so long. as hard as it is to lose her, and i will miss her so much, its even worse to be accused of not caring for people when they don't care either. there is nothing more frustrating then having to sit back and watch people be completely hypocritical and not being able to do anything about it. but sadly enough, life goes on until people come to there senses and realize the choices they have made were not always the best either. so lesson learned for today, you can only do as much as someone allows you, sometimes its up to them to make it right and to realize what the next step is to move forward. i miss you best friend, but there is nothing else i can do until you come around, so now is just time to wait. r.i.p grandma, we all love you, and are so glad you can be at peace. we will miss you.