letting go

there comes a point in life, where whether or not you want to, or whether you know if it is the right thing to do or not, you have to let go of the people in your life. but its always the worst when you aren't ready, or you its the last thing in the world you want to do. today i had to make a tough decision, to hold on, be unhappy and keep dreading the way things would turn out, knowing he was avoiding me for a reason, or to take a stand and get to the bottom of things, and end it, knowing it wasn't right what was happening. and today, the outcome was what i have feared would happen for the last three weeks; i knew it was coming, he said we both did, but that doesn't change the fact of how much it still hurts, and how all i want to do is sit and cry. cry because its over, cry because he didn't want to make it work, or give the effort to make it work. cry because he didn't have the guts to do it himself, he just made it so bad to where he knew i would. and cry because he doesn't seem to care one bit, but my heart is breaking. but that is life, and one day i hope to look back and laugh at how uspet it made me, and how sad i was, and i hope the one day i know why it happened how it did. so this is goodbye, i love you muffin and a piece of my heart always will, but three strikes and we're out, time to finally let go. i hope you get what you want in life, because i plan to. starting now, here is to the rest of my life.

life goes on

i was recently accused of "abandoning" people, because they were going through hard times and because i gave them space, it was interpreted as me not caring. unfortunate, because I'll always care, and even apologizing didn't change a thing. but i was abandoned too, i lost a friend just as much as they did, and they haven't been there for me just as much as they say i haven't been there for them. and yes just because my family isn't sick, or i wasn't going through the same thing, doesn't mean my life and my feelings don't matter and that i don't need a friend just as much as them. and i could use them more than ever right now, because no my family isn't sick, but my grandmother just passed away from being sick for so long. as hard as it is to lose her, and i will miss her so much, its even worse to be accused of not caring for people when they don't care either. there is nothing more frustrating then having to sit back and watch people be completely hypocritical and not being able to do anything about it. but sadly enough, life goes on until people come to there senses and realize the choices they have made were not always the best either. so lesson learned for today, you can only do as much as someone allows you, sometimes its up to them to make it right and to realize what the next step is to move forward. i miss you best friend, but there is nothing else i can do until you come around, so now is just time to wait. r.i.p grandma, we all love you, and are so glad you can be at peace. we will miss you.

disappointment

it never ceases to amaze me how people can disappoint you over and over again, knowing how much they have already disappointed you in life. its one excuse after another, never taking responsibility for their actions; the same old story. i was sadly reminded of this yesterday, and all hope i had that maybe things would be different was shattered. the all too familiar feelings came back, reminding me once again, why i had chosen to cut him out of my life: because he doesn't deserve to be in it; and he proved that once again. i should have known, but the little girl in me could only hope that i would be important enough for once for him to just be there, but as usual i was corrected. he may say he is sorry, which i don't doubt he is, and he gives excuses to try to make it okay, but nothing will change that he wasn't there. because regardless of what happened or the excuses he has, if he wanted to be there, like he said he wanted to, he would have been there, no matter what. and neither i or anyone else can change him, or make him have that extra effort to ensure he will keep his word, only he can make that choice, and sadly, i don't think that will ever happen. the adult in me knows its not my fault, an its not anything i have done, but the little girl in me wonders why i can't be important enough for him to keep his word for and the girl in me longs for him to show some effort to make a change, but i know he won't; and that fact breaks my heart. i have spent the last two years without him, and you would think i would be used to it by now, but it never fails to kill me every time he lets me down. so lesson learned for today, trust your gut feeling about people, because more than likely your gut is right, not everyone deserves a second chance especially if they have blown their chances in the past. its gonna hurt, but you'll be okay, letting go is not always easy, but its do-able. you can get through this, he is not worth yours tears anymore.

the dreaded day

every year, that day comes around and i try at all costs to avoid thinking about it but its ineveitable that its right in front of my face, all day long, regardless of the year. i mean what really is the point of it? its nothing that special that needs to be so glorified and hyped up. its just another day to tell the person your in a relationship with, or married to, or dating, how you feel about them. but tell me this, why do you need a day designated to do that? should i not use every other day to tell someone how i feel about them, and just wait for the one day a year that says its okay for that day? i think no. we do not have days for telling people how much we dislike them, or our jobs or the people we see everyday, so why is it so necessary to have a day dedicated to love, and telling people you love them you can do that anytime, (and i encourage all to do it on a daily basis, especially since it keeps your certain someone happy). all it does is make people who do not have husbands or wives or boy/girl friends, even more aware of the fact that their single, and alone on this holiday dedicated to couples. if we are going to have a couple awareness day, which is pretty much a large portion of v-day, then we should also have a single day, fair? fair.

revelations

so i have this, complex, i guess you can call it, to make everything as perfect as can be. when i write it needs to all look the same, and look nice and neat (it never does half the time), when i put my clothes away they need to be in their specific designated drawers, when i put music on my computer, there has to be the album artwork to go along with it, etc. no matter how hard i work each day to keep things as close to perfection as they can be, something always throws me off, it never fails. and obviously everyone knows there is no such thing as "perfect", that's plain to see, but today i realized that even striving for perfection is not always necessary, its okay to have bumps in the road, or plans that don't go quite according to plan, or to write a little sloppy sometimes. so life lesson for today, just do your best, even if it is far from perfection. your best is all that matters.

new editions

when i was about nine or so, my kitten (well cat i guess then) peaches died of diabetes, and it was the worst thing i thought would ever happen to me (naive i know), but when your nine and your pet dies, its tragic. ever since that day i have wanted a pet, we have cats, but they aren't mine per say, they just live in the house with me. well in our last house we could only have 2 pets, and we have two cats, so i was eagerly waiting for one to die (that still has yet to happen...) and now in our new house, i wanted a kitten of my own so bad, but we still had 2 cats, so instead i go the next best thing, a hamster. now you see, i have been asking for a pet, specifically a kitten at first, then other assortments like fish and hamsters, for the past few months, and the answer was always no or maybe. well when my lovely birthday came along, i finally got my wish, i got to pick out a hamster :) with immense excitement we went to Pets Mart and i picked out my very own little hamster, a dwarf hamster to be exact. and after picking out my little girl, and getting all her supplies i headed home to put together her cage and give her food and everything (the cage was MUCH more difficult then you would ever expect!) and now i have an adorable little hamster (pictured above). well obviously with having a pet comes the responsibility to take care of the animal, that part is easy, she is low maintenance, just needs food water and to playing her little ball occasionally, but the catch is, their nocturnal, yes you heard me, nocturnal. so now accompanying my adorable little pet, is the obnoxious noise of her wheel going round and round (pictured in video above), constantly. which makes it quite hard to fall asleep, but despite the noise she is amazing and I'm a very proud parent. so welcome to the family nutter butter. we love you butt :)

fear

fear is what often keeps people from living their everyday lives. fear is that knot in your stomach that never seems to quite go away, it just lingers there waiting to present itself again. fear is being afraid that someone, yet again, will let you down. i can honestly say, i have lived most of my life in fear. fear of being rejected, or fear of being disappointed or the fear of letting someone who hurt you back in. and yes, i know people say you cannot live your life in fear, but some days it is just inescapable. some days there is no way if getting around it and all you feel is fear, regardless of what your fearing, fear is present. i often find myself second guessing my choices in life because i fear that it will be wrong, or i fear that it won't end well... its something i am guilty of on more than one occasion, and today i felt that fear of disappointment creep right back in, creating that all to familiar knot in my stomach, and it hit me, after almost nineteen years of life, that there will never be an escape to that feeling of fear. it will always be there regardless of how much you try to avoid it, or persuade yourself your are not fearful, you are going to be, in time. so lesson for today, embrace the fear, and power through it. take it one day at a time when it gets rough, you will make it through. and yes that fear will pop back up again in time, but you always will have the fact that you beat it the time before to get you through it the next time.